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The Home Office
Whitehall
London SW1 VVL
Dear Prime Minister,
In May of this year a group of male and female UK nationals
from Bristol returned from a prolonged holiday in Goa, India, where it is
believed that they were first exposed to a rather disturbing cultural practice.
These individuals received instruction in a bizarre system of deep breathing
exercises collectively entitled by the natives ‘Priyanama’. Daily engagement in
these exercises reportedly engenders feelings of deep happiness and contentment
in its practitioners. So delighted were the Bristolians by the positive effects
of these exercises that, on returning to the United Kingdom, they began to
offer tuition in the practice at various local community centres and adult
educational facilities. From these small beginnings a much larger movement has grown,
one with the potential to fundamentally alter the national character.
So profound are the positive effects of ‘Priyanama’ practice
that individuals who regularly engage in it seem to no longer require drugs and
alcohol. Obviously, if this practice were to become even more widespread, the
consequences could be nothing short of a national catastrophe. Let us consider
for a moment the far-reaching ramifications of all this.
Firstly, as adherents of Priyanama no longer engage in
recreational drug use, and if the situation is left unchecked, our national GDP
would once again fall below that of France (a disaster in itself).
Secondly, my contacts within Glaxo Smithkline (shares in
which I hold) are mightily concerned at the fall in sales of tranquilliser and
blood-pressure-lowering medication in the West Country. In short, they fear
contagion throughout the nation and a subsequent drop in the share price.
Thirdly, my contacts within Diageo (shares in which I hold)
are also worried about falling alcohol sales, as is the Financial Director of the
Benson & Hedges tobacco company (shares in which I hold) alarmed at the
prospect of precipitous drops in cigarette sales.
Clearly, if the practice of Priyanama were to become pervasive,
our national economic effort would be further undermined, causing perhaps a 1%,
heaven forbid a 2%, drop in GDP. It is,
I believe, the duty of this government to protect our great companies and the
people of our country from this onslaught of contentment.
I am sure that you will agree with me when I say that none
of us entered the world of politics just to make people happy. We have far more
important matters to consider, e.g. the nation's balance of payments, public
sector borrowing requirement, gross domestic product, current account deficit,
parliamentary expenses, constituency expenses, et al.
The Home Office is one of the great offices of state and it
is my job is to protect the people from themselves. I consider myself to be a
practical, 'hands on' home secretary and have come to the conclusion that we
must not allow this unfortunate state of affairs to continue. After all, the progress
that we have made during our time in government must not be sacrificed just to
make the people happy. I would therefore like to propose that we take the
following course of action:
1) We appoint Michael
Gove as our de facto Minister of National Misery. We arrange for Michael to
appear on one or more of the main television channels every single night of the
week at peak time, if at all possible, spreading a general message of gloom and
doom. Michael has spent his entire political career doing this and is thus
ideally suited to the task.
2) We invite one of
our ‘friends’ from the National Institute of Clinical Excellence to issue a
Government Health Warning to the effect that Priyanama practice constitutes a
health risk. This would frighten the living daylights out of the populace and
we could ask our many, many friends in the press to repeat the Warning ad
nauseum.
3) We concoct a
disease that infects the potato in such a way that the nation will have 'had
its chips', so to speak.
4) Ditto hops for beer.
5) Ditto grapes for
wine (the French will probably complain but who cares what they think? We’ll be
out of the EU before they notice a thing – we can then blame the Italians).
***For your
information the House of Commons Bar would be adequately stocked well in
advance of the proposed initiatives.
6) We ban all amateur
performers from appearing on national television. This would, at a stroke, banish
Love Island, X Factor, Britain’s Got Talent, Geordie Shore, TOWIE and Bog
Brother from the nation’s television screens, allowing more time for our party
political broadcasts and reducing the incidence of national gaiety to more
acceptable levels.
7) We change the national
anthem to that mournful ditty 'Heaven Knows We're Miserable Now' by the popular
music combo The Smiths.
These are radical ideas, certainly, but desperate times
demand desperate measures and the situation is certainly becoming desperate.
Outbreaks of happiness, contentment and goodwill have been detected far and
wide: in Wiltshire, Devon, Cornwall, even among the Welsh (incredible as that may
seem).
It has been both a privilege and an honour to serve as your
home secretary and to have witnessed the superlative commitment and bravery you
have shown in exceptionally difficult circumstances. I now feel a sense of
solemn duty to play my part in securing the future for our great nation and its
people.
Yours sincerely,
Roger Pinstripe M.P., Home Secretary
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