'Alright?' by Jay Cool

Alright?

http://artthreads.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/friday-inspiration-filet-crochet.html

Interminable. A ghastly green rug; dull, dirty and cat-scratched floorboards; off-white doilies draped over the backs of threadbare armchairs. An interminable ‘holiday’ at my grandmother’s house.

An endless time of sitting, just sitting; sitting and being observed sitting, by a sitting grandmother – her voice an old vinyl record, with a scratch across it, asking me over and over whether I was alright, whether I wanted more of her special baked-just-for-me fruit cake, whether I was happy.

Happy. Happy, sitting. Sitting in the company of my pasty-white grandmother, eating her ghastly raisin and sultana infested, baked-by-her fruit cake.

She was happy, just sitting there, sitting and looking at me, and smiling, asking if I was alright, and picking, picking at the green-grape skins wedged between her teeth, the special bought-just-for-her green grapes that my mum had insisted were grandmother’s favourite. Green grape skins, once fresh, now picked at and picked out. Picked out and flicked out. Flicked out onto the ghastly green rug. A green rug with a bluebottle beneath it.

I knew the bluebottle was still there and I knew the bluebottle was squished. I knew, because I was the one who’d squished it, squished it and kicked it, kicked it under the rug. Several months ago. Several months ago, when, like now, I was sitting. Sitting here.

Sitting here. Sitting here, being watched and watching, watching my grandmother. Watching her watching me, and knowing. Knowing that if I sat there for long enough, watching her for long enough watching me for long enough, that somehow. Somehow, somewhere in the watching, she was going to be alright. The bluebottle was dead, dead and gone. I knew it was still there, dead and gone, under the ghastly green rug, and I knew it wouldn’t come back, and I knew it would never buzz at me again.

My grandmother, though, my pasty and flaky, and baked just-for-me grandmother. My happy grandmother. My happy-for-me grandmother. My grandmother. She. She, was going to be alright

Green. Ghastly. White. Pasty. Interminable. Alright.

Copyright owned by Jay Cool, February 2018

Source: The armchair image is Creative Commons licensed.