I have it on good authority that I shall soon be named the world’s greatest living scientist by none other than the most august learned institution in the land, The Royal Society of Scientists! This honour is to be bestowed on me in recognition of my admittedly brilliant, truly groundbreaking work in the field of brain transplantation.
In April of last year I began experimenting on rodents, with astonishing success, before moving on to larger mammals and then, finally, to my piece de resistance – exchanging the brains of a lesser primate, in this particular case Bonzo the chimpanzee, and a Member of Parliament, the Rt. Hon. MP for Stevenage West, Roland Pompous-Smythe. I selected the latter for my experiment because I surmised that nobody would miss him in the slightest. Mrs. Pompous-Smythe has always said that she never sees her husband, not that she has ever complained, and prior to my experiment Mr. Pompous-Smythe had only been spotted in the House twice in the preceding five years: in 2015 he voted against a motion to reduce the public subsidy of the House of Commons Bar and in 2017 he voted for a motion to increase the limit of MPs’ allowable expenses. Capturing Ronald Pompous-Smythe was a simple affair, as he was generally to be found in an inebriated condition and thus very easily led, on one dark night straight into my well-equipped laboratory.
Following what was a remarkably straightforward operation, it has been most interesting to observe the similarities between the behaviours and cognitive functions of the MP and Bonzo. Of course, given the fact that they have now exchanged fundamental parts of their anatomies, it is perhaps unsurprising that such similarities exist. Both have innate predispositions to temper tantrums, emotionally incoherent speech patterns and petulant outbursts. Neither are capable of understanding the simplest instructions, let alone acting on them, nor do they exhibit the morals and respect for others that are the hallmarks of intelligent beings. There has, however been a fascinating development. Mr. Pompous-Smythe has been attending the House of Commons much more frequently of late, participating in debates and giving speeches that the public at large find laughably incomprehensible but that his parliamentary colleagues happily nod along to with serious expressions on their faces.
There is even a rumour circulating the House of Commons that Roland Pompous-Smythe/Bonzo is to be offered a cabinet post. The cheeky little monkey….
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